Warning: This post is about Brazilian Waxes.. you know the ones down there... just a heads up.
Today was Becca's birthday. Her and Julie had gotten Brazilian waxes while at school and really wanted me to join but I was too scared and chickened out. Well now since it is her birthday and she is nice enough to let us crash at her house while she works in the heat all day. So I figured I would join in on the fun. Carla came along but decided to just get a pedicure. Becca went first because she had to leave early to do another tennis lesson. 30 minutes later she returns with a face that shouted THANK GOD THAT IS OVER with a whisper of I can't wait to see what happens to Rachel. Julie went next. I let her go first because she really really wanted to get it over with plus I was so engrossed in an article about the Kardashians that I didn't mind waiting. Julie walks to the back room and Becca leaves. Now all of a sudden I am sitting in the waiting room all alone reading about Kim Kardashian's engagement and how her mom gave her and her fiance a pair of mini horses covered in glitter. Yup. Glitter Ponies. Her fiance is an NBA player, close to 7 feet tall. No way he could ride those. I would say that a set of Glitter Ponies is probably the worst present anyone could get someone else for that kind of money. Imagine tiny horses walking around pooping, urinating, generally smelling and on top of that they are covered in glitter. Every step they take they leave their marks. Don't even try to ride one because we all know that glitter never goes away. So I guess riding side saddle will be the best bet unless she wants to be vajazzled (putting sticky diamonds/bling in your lady area... I think at one point it was a fad). Even side saddle would be hard for Kim because apparently she has a controversially large butt rumored to be a product of implants.
Well that was all just a nice tangent to get my mind off of what I was about to put myself through. Not only will I be voluntarily putting myself through all this pain but I will be PAYING! Man, I am so jealous of Carla right now, sitting there, getting a foot massage. I am an idiot.
This time only 20 minutes go by and Julie is back. O shit. My turn....
I walk into the 4x8 room, that is being generous, and the woman is cutting strips of cloth from a roll. Not just a couple strips, it looked like there were dozens. I step up to the table and almost step in the bowl of hot wax that is on the ground. That would have been awful for my beautiful feet. I bet putting the hot wax on the bedside floor is just a ploy to get costumers to get a pedicure as well. Not falling for that one. After avoiding that trap I tell her that this is my first time getting smothered with boiling hot wax and getting my hairs ripped out in the most sensitive part of the body. She acts surprised which scares me but then I realize that she just doesn't speak any english. I guess flinching, clutching, sweating, and screaming are the same in every language.
And so it starts. The first rip... eh. not that bad. I can do this. No problem. WRONG. The more it is done, the more sensitive the area gets so the more it hurts. A couple rips in and my palms are sweating. She just keeps applying hot wax, rubbing on the cloth, ripping off the cloth and whatever comes with it, and aggressively dabbing the sore area. Then she applies hot wax, rubs on the cloth, rips the cloth off and whatever comes with it, and aggressively dabs the sore area. Get it? Should I go over that again? Well she does and in what seems like the same exact area. I was convinced that she has some sort of obsessive compulsive disorder in which she had to do the same thing three times before moving on. Just when I thought it had to be almost done she would apply what felt like even hotter wax. I guess I grimaced because she said to me, "hot?" I nodded. Next time she decided to blow on the wax covered stick like it was simply some hot soup. You know how that doesn't work for soup and you end up burning your mouth anyways and everything tastes like rubber for a week? Well it also doesn't work for hot wax on a stick. Now I am really in pain. She takes out the scissors and I hear snipping but can't feel it. The pain must be too immense to feel anything. She says to me, "These are inside." Inside? Inside? What does that mean inside? Then I realize it is exactly what you think... inside. Pretty sure scissors aren't supposed to be there, talk about being vulnerable, and those hairs are probably there for a reason. Just sayin'. When is this going to be over already? This must be hell. I went in around 2:45pm, I looked at the clock on the wall, it still read 2:45pm. How is that possible? It seems like at least 20 or 30 minutes has gone by. Nope. Could the clock be broken? What is the point of displaying a broken clock? It's not like this one brought any ascetic value. No time has passed and there is an intensely burning heat in my lower areas. Yep. HELL.
Turns out the clock was broken because I was in there for 40 minutes! That is twice as long as Julie. I waddle out of the room. Julie and Carla greet me with huge smiles on their faces. They were chomping at the bit, didn't even have to ask me how it went before I answered, "Everything's bigger in Texas." No, I don't know what that means but it was the only thing that came to mind and somehow seems appropriate.